A Birthday Party
by NicetyL
Summary: So our dear Nat's getting one year older. And Bartimaeus just HAS to be there. So what will he do? He can't ruin EVERYTHING, can he?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Are you kidding? You think that I would own this amazing series? Flattering, but not a chance.

YES! I LOVE THIS SERIES AND I'VE BEEN MEANING TO WRITE A FANFIC ABOUT IT. IT'S JUST THAT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT UNTIL NOW BECAUSE I WASN'T SURE I COULD REPRODUCE BARTEMAEUS'S AWESOMENESS. I still can't, but I tried. If you like it, don't worry, I'll come out with another chapter... sometime. Hopefully.

~  
Bartimaeus

I was not pleased in the least. Putting aside the fact that the kid was using a five-thousand year old djinni to decorate his bloody birthday cake*, I had to draw flowers on the thing and decorate it the best I could or face the wrath of his inversion spell. As if that wasn't enough, you know what else? He had Castor helping. Castor! The djinni who didn't know how to be gentler than an angered ram let loose in a china shop.

*No, really. The brainless fool later cut his finger when he tried to cut out a slice of cake. He somehow thought it was a good idea to push back his toilet-plunger sized sleeves while holding the knife in his left hand

I flinched and turned around with a dangerous glint in my eyes as I heard yet another crash.

"Bartimaeus! I seem to have dropped- "

The portly man dressed in an apron and chef's hat dodged a small detonation thrown at him, and I was left staring at the huge hole gouged onto the floor in dismay.

"Now look what you made me do!" I cried, throwing my hands up.

"What did you do that for?!" The idiot had the audacity to splutter.

"If this were any other circumstance, Castor, you'd be dead. As it is, we're apparently supposed to cook the food for the little brat's party guests, and they're arriving in an hour. If you break another good dish, I will make sure you don't reach the Other Place in one piece. Or maybe not any pieces at all."

"Was that a threat?" The man asked, his eyebrows rising in fast fury. "I will have you know that I am- "

He was silenced yet again when the door to the kitchen slammed open and a very calm boy strutted his way in, his cloak billowing behind him like a lady's gown on a windy day. Natty-boy himself. We must've made quite a racket for him to dare to show his face anywhere around me after what he'd been doing to me. He calmly surveyed the mess that Castor was surrounded by before sighing and muttering the dismissal for the djinni.

Castor fell to his knees and was in the middle of an apology before he disappeared.

"Can you dismiss me, too? My essence is dying while I bake your pretty pink cake."

"It's a light red." He corrected, looking faintly annoyed.

"I don't care what color it is! Nat, it's been- "

"Don't call me that!"

"- more than a year. Just dismiss me, or I might end up being a small splatter of essence on your bedside the next time you decide to check up on me. I'll make sure to make my dead remnants smell horrible, too."

The boy stared at me cooly.

"Djinni, your charge was to prepare food for the party that I am hosting. Please return to your task." So saying, he turned dramatically away and almost made it out the door before I interrupted him.

"Nathaniel. I'm not- "

"I will not hesitate to use the Stipplers."

"So they can backfire on you when I use your name?"

"No, so I can distract you enough for me to use Hort's pentagram properly."

I flinched just at the name. True, I wasn't the quickest on my feet recently. That could most definitely work and be extremely painful, too. The kid was getting clever recently. He walked out, as unruffled as he'd been when he'd come in. I swore I'd kill him some day. And maybe take my time, too, if his ugly face didn't repulse me enough to finish him off quickly.

"I like your new haircut!" I called after him. "Looks just like a neat little hedgehog sitting on top of your head!"

Not my best insult, but I saw him turn around with flashing eyes before the door swung closed. At least teasing him hadn't lost its fair amount of amusement. Then I looked back down at the first layer of his cake. Never mind. Amusing or not, I was looking for any chance to kill him so I could leave this wretched world already.

* * *

I stared at my masterpiece with admiration. There was nothing I couldn't do perfectly, was there? Even if it was just cooking a fancy meal for a crowd of fifty. I scoffed. I bet none of them wanted to spend their free time around other preening magicians, either, but they had to come when someone as important as the most powerful magician in London (well, besides the bony old hag that Nat just adored so much) called.

And all there was left to do was carry the food downstairs into the guest room that I had decorated yesterday. I sighed. Really, the kid couldn't just hire some servants, could he? No, he had to use a fourth-level djinni. Oh how I wanted to destroy him.

I decided to carry the gravy down, first. I opened the door before picking up the tray of food and emerging outside the stuffy room that I'd been stuck in for the past few hours. As I went down the stairs, I sighed. Was these a point to any of this? Really. Sure, I could slip his name to some magician that summoned me, but the chances of that happening were slim, to say the least. The last I'd been summoned (by someone beside this kid) was two centuries ago. But now, Natty-boy wanted me to run around him doing menial tasks that could be done by any imp or human servant. He could at least just order me to keep my mouth shut and summon other servants, but no. He sent the imps, foliots, and lower-level djinn out to suppress the Resistance and do dangerous missions.* He sent me, Bartimaeus, Sakhr al-Jinni, N'gorso the Mighty, Rekhyt, the Serpent of Silver Plumes who could make entire armies tremble, to bake his cakes and decorate his halls with wreaths of pretty daffodils.

*Okay, so occasionally, me, too, but lately I'd proven that I wasn't in any fit condition to fight increasing resistant children with their irons and elemental spheres.

I reached the bottom step and almost collided with the villain himself. He'd run out of his room, looking flustered.

"What's the matter, Natty-boy? Need- "

"Be quiet, Bartimaeus." He said, shooting me a look before glancing down at the tray in my hands. "I see that you're done cooking. Good, just put it in the parlor."

He stood there, fiddling nervously with his sleeves. It seemed the lad wanted me to leave so he could go off somewhere, probably down the corridor that I was currently blocking to the door. I raised Ptolemy's eyebrow at him, before smirking.

"Farrar's here, isn't she?"

When he turned red, I glowed in delight. This was the only time where I'd get the usual amount of fun out of him.

"Oh, look. You preened yourself a little more than usual- is that perfume I smell?" I asked, sniffing the air with exaggeration. I gagged. Yuck. How could he stand that stuff? He noticed and glowered at me. "Ah love. No matter how impossible and comical it is, it is a pretty ugly thing, isn't it?"

"Just go, Bartimaeus."

I couldn't just leave it at that, but I saw the dangerous light that started in his eyes, and decided that I'd had enough fun for the moment. But I'll remember this for later. And so, like the good little murderous servant I was, I went about my business for setting the parlour up for the party.

Hah, I bet he gave the poor girl the wrong timing just so he could spend some time with her before the rest of the lot arrived. Typical scheming magician. Too bad Kitty was 'dead.' She would've made a more interesting person for Nat to fall in love with. Maybe she'll break into the house one day and kill him in his sleep. But, no. She'd use more style. I hoped I would be there to watch it unfold.

When I finally finished with his parlour, I'd been planning to go to the roof to stretch out in the sun before he came up with another ridiculous task, but as luck would have it, I just had to be in the room when he and Farrar came in. He was laughing at some joke or other that he'd probably made, and she tittered along, looking disgusted as he walked close to her. She was probably repulsed by his perfume. And the amount of grease in his hair. Poor chap. Even I felt sorry for him when I saw him being so desperately lovey-dovey.

She spotted me, and desperately clutched at an excuse to stop talking to him.

"Oh, hello... erm... "

"Call me Bartimaeus." I said, smiling cheekily.

"Yes... hang on. Mandrake, do you have a djinn servant going about your house this freely?"

Natty-boy glanced at me and paled. "Well, I usually- "

"Of course he does. He's particularly fond of me. We're like brothers." I said, crossing the room in a few strides and draping an arm over Natty-boy's shoulders. He stiffened, and I could practically see the smoke coming out of his ears.

"Djinn, I order you to- "

"To what, Johnny? Get you a slice of the cake that I so lovingly made for your so very special day? What are you turning? Ten?"

The boy seemed about ready to explode, and clenched his teeth. "Bartimaeus, I order you- "

"I'm sorry to say I have other business to attend to, Johnny. Perhaps we can chat later? I was reading this amazing book upstairs. I'll just get to it, now."

Not strictly a lie. I'd begun to read part of his library out of sheer boredom and pain. I simply had nothing else to do. If anyone I knew saw me then, I'd probably have to kill them (though in the lessened state that I was in, I'd find that near impossible).

After a friendly wave aimed towards him and the baffled and disgusted-looking Farrar, I headed out of the room.

"I'll have him in iron chains..." he was saying.

"I love you, too, Johnny!" I called. Okay, so maybe that was testing him a bit too far, but I made it out alive. He was left to clean up the mess that I'd made, trying to explain my behavior to his beloved Farrar. I knew what she was thinking. 'John Mandrake can't even control his own slaves, and this is the man that the Prime Minister puts his faith in? Have I been putting up with this revolting fool without good reason?'

Yep, I was going to get it later. The boy was probably going to corner me and put me through loads of pain, but it had been worth it.


	2. Chapter 2

I was innocently lying on Nathaniel's roof when I was summoned. At this point, I was so weak that even a summons felt like the most horrible torture. By the time my essence materialized in the middle of Nat's birthday party, i was ready to kill something. Hopefully Natty-boy himself.

He stood nonchalantly before me, preening his hair. A few magicians near him oohed. He was just using me to show off! So what if the kid didn't need a pentagram to summon a djinn? Look at him! _He looked like a disgusting, greasy, rat!_ Oh, wait. So did all humans. Except Ptolemy. And maybe Kitty*.

*Who knows? Maybe when the girl wasn't trying to kill me, she could actually be a looker. In human standards, of course. But she'd never beat Ptolemy.

"Bartimaeus, I want you to- "

" _Everyone_ wants something, John. We can't _all_ have- "

I wasn't prepared for the inversion spell. A few minutes later, when I regained awareness of my surroundings again, I found the brat eating a forkful of his pink cake with great care. I wanted to strangle him. Just wring his neck and then hang him upside down. Or try the inversion spell on him and see how _he_ liked it.

"Bartimaeus." He started calmly. "I _order_ you to you to politely present yourself to our Prime Minister."

The kid tilted his head towards the said man, who, I noticed, had put on some weight since I last saw him. About five tons, I reckoned, from his jiggling chins and huge belly. He looked more like ballon filled to the bursting with water, except wearing human skin and clothes.

Yes, you aren't mistaken: this _is_ the most powerful man in all of Britain. I truly worried about where humanity was heading towards, sometimes, when I wasn't worrying about how to eat them.

Needless to say, I was thoroughly unimpressed.

But, following my master's orders, I "politely presented" myself in front of the past-obese man. He turned around and eyed me with something akin to slight confusion.

" _This_ is the demon you spoke of?" He asked Nat. What was this all about?

"Currently, he is extremely weak since he has been serving me for an extended period of time. But he's very useful, which is why I would like to have sole control over him."

 _Extended period of time?_ Is that what you called two years of hard work and toil?

"I doubt your choice, Mandrake." The Prime Minister said, stroking the little stubble he had. He probably thought that made him look wiser. On the contrary, it just jiggled his five chins even more. It was fascinating to watch, in a disgusting sort of way. "But if that is your wish, then so be it!"

Then the man turned around and strode away, the fact that his huge backside hit someone's cake and caused it to stick to our Prime Minister's derriere dramatically reduced the effect of his regal words. The magician who'd lost her desert started after him, probably in shock. Or in morbid fascination of how the cake didn't seem to want to fall even as the PM's hips moved side to side as he took every step. Or both.

" _Yuck_. I wasn't going to eat this poisonous human food either way, but even if I _were_ human, I'd be retching by the mere mention of that cake."

Nathaniel seemed to agree, but couldn't seem to be able to say it. He muttered something faintly, probably in defense of his beloved role model. But he'd gone into disgusted shock, too, and couldn't do any more than that.

After a few seconds of shared silence, I finally decided to break Nathaniel out of whatever pictures were burned into his eyes.

"What was that all about?"

He seems to shake himself, and returned to his cool demeanor again.

"You're being blacklisted."

"What?"

"No one else will summon you for the next hundred years."

I stared at the kid, mouth agape.

" _Seriously?"_ I asked. "So are you going to dismiss me, now?"

"No."

I knew it was too good to be true.

"I said no one _else_ will summon you."

"I noted that."

"Good. I order you to leave his room. You will be summoned again to clean up later."

Cleaning duties. Again. Did I mention how I was a four-thousand year-old being made of fire that was once feared by entire armies?

I wasn't letting this kid go off so easily. I had to have a bit of fun, first.

"Mandrake, I'm flattered that you want to have the sole rights to control me, but wouldn't it be a tad more logical if you dismissed me now? I can no longer spill your precious _secret_ , after all."

Farrar, who'd been listening quite attentively to Nathaniel's exchange with Devereaux, seemed to stiffen and turned around, losing all pretense that she wasn't listening in on the conversation. I winked at her, and had the pleasure of seeing her turn scarlet in fury.

"I _order_ you to leave, _now_ , Bartimaeus. I'll deal with you later." Natty-boy interrupted, not looking fazed in the slightest except for a twitch in his right eye.

"Oh, I understand, Jonny. You wouldn't want me to tell all of your pretentious and backstabbing buddies here your most important secrets."

As I walked out, I could fee quite a few stares after me. I grinned. It was surprising that the kid hadn't punished me right then and there. But then again, it was a bit ominous, too.


	3. Chapter 3

I LOVE THESE: 24c7/i/2009/183/4/9/nat_and_bart_by_

Go. Stare at its awesomeness. Really, I like the Bartimaeus deviant art things that I randomly find online.

* * *

I was summoned downstairs a little past midnight. I'd been staring at the stars, marveling their likeliness to the Otherplace. I wish I at least had enough energy to transform into a small bird and spin through the air, to let the colors and lights and darkness all blur into one dizzying picture that made no sense, but did at the same time. The Otherplace was a dimension with no direction, sense, or irregularities. Everything there weirdly merged together and were different at the same time, and your essence would feel like gentle waves were stretching it apart and filling it back up, slowly restoring your peace of mind and energy. The little corners of you that you'd forgotten and given up to the pain of this world would suddenly be alive and healthy again, and everything would feel like it'd be bliss forever.

Oh, how I itched to go back.

The sharp claws of the summons felt more painful than ever, and when I materialized again, in front of the brat, I could only manage to get into the form of a puff of smoke. A menacing puff of smoke, but still only a puff of smoke.

"Clean this all up." The brat had the audacity to say with his usual indifference. As humiliating as it was, I put away all of my usual banter.

"I will die if I stay here any longer."

The brat didn't stop to look at me, and I stared at his back, enraged. How dare the little-

When I heard his next words, I couldn't believe it. In fact, if I'd been in any other form, my mouth would've hung open and the fly that lazily buzzed around my smoky form would've flown through it, and I would've started hacking and coughing in disgust.

He was dismissing me. He was really dismissing me.

He turned to look at me then, and before the tight ropes of this world completely loosened, I saw him smile. He said something that I couldn't hear, but he knew I could read lips perfectly well. He'd hesitated before he'd finished talking, but then he'd hurried on quickly, to add what he had to say before I completely disappeared.

"Don't you _dare!_ " I tried to call out, but it was too late, and I was already in the Otherplace. The wave of relief felt so good, and I lost my conscious state as my essence was stretched and pulled, unfurled from its limited and scrunched form. I felt myself beginning to lose myself, and for the second time ever, tried to fight against it. The little, stupid, brat. How _dare_ he?! But then I lost myself among the thoughts of the others and sank back into energy of the Otherplace.

Even _here,_ he chose to burden me with some task.


	4. Chapter 4

I never know how much time passes.

All I know is that it feels nice- a lot better than the human world, which I was violently being pulled back into.

The kid was getting on my nerves. And I _didn't even have any.*_

"Don't take this as consideration for your well-being, demon," he'd said. Of course he'd called me _demon_ when he'd been dismissing me. If he'd used that crude term at any other time, I wouldn't have let him get off so easily.

"I'll be summoning you again when I need..." here, he'd paused and glanced away, as if searching for an answer in his hall. "When I need a fourth-level djinni at my disposal."

*nerves, I mean. Human density surprises even me sometimes, and _that_ is saying something since I've been around for a couple of thousand years.

I materialized in a blaze of fire, taking on the form of a beast the likes of which you wouldn't want to know about. I admit, I might've gone a touch too far; with all the bones, blood, fire, snakes, and all.

But of course none of that affected _him_.

"Bartimaeus." Nathaniel said."It is a pleasure to see you, too."

"The pleasure isn't mutual." I promised him, gnashing my teeth.

"I order you to- "

"How long has it been?"

He glanced away, refusing to meet my eyes for a few seconds as he breathed in and out slowly. Now _there's_ the old Nathaniel: easily angered by even the most minor of interruptions.

"Two months."

I paused to let the words fully sink in, to let my fury ferment for a few more seconds before letting it explode.

"I will _destroy_ you, before I spread your little fried bits of remains all over your precious London."

"No, djinni. You won't."

 _That indifference!_ That was what finally got to you, after years of spending your time with the guy. I seethed quietly for half a second, before calming myself enough to speak again.

"Oh, NATHANIEL. You're so cute and silly! You think I won't be able to get my final revenge on you? NATHANIEL, I thought you knew be better than that." I grinned at him malevolently. His name echoed around the room a couple of times, increasing the effect of my words.

"Bartimaeus, I command you to quiet your tongue and to do my bidding. You are not allowed to speak unless specifically asked to, and you will not blabber out unnecessary things when those occasions arise."

And... I'd made him snap. His voice was flat, his eyes were flat, and for some reason, I noticed that even his _hair_ was flatter than usual. He must've just come from some meeting with other magicians, to have actually attempted to tame his hair. Or a meeting with Farrar.

Gah. Of course. He'd summoned me because he'd wanted another reminder of his past. Seems like he still didn't like is own "John Mandrake" act. You should pity me, human. For having been the djinn to see him when he was a child. In the wave of changes so far, the little decent bit in him kept trying to return to his innocence before he became a twisted magician. Pity that little part of him failed to realize that even if he magically managed to return to his former self, he'd still be just as ugly, _and_ disgusting to be around.

But he'd pulled his trump card, and I had to keep my mouth shut. Though if that was the best he could do, then he was sadly mistaken in assuming that he would be able to stop me from ticking him off. I showed him a particularly gruesome form of a human pinned through with needles and dripping with bl- oh, I'm sorry. I almost ruined your happy innocence. Well, I hope you keep it for longer than Nathaniel, who paled and bent over, vomiting.

The blood-soaked human in the middle of the pentagram grinned at him menacingly, eagerly watching to see if any part of the chalk marking his circle would be washed away. Making him queasy was my favorite past time. His complexion never improved afterwards, of course, but getting any reaction out of him at all was a victory nowadays.

He seemed to finally get a hold of himself, and straightened, wiping his mouth on his sleeve with a shaken and disgusted expression on his face. He managed not to look at me again, and ordered for me to change into a more presentable form. As I turned into Ptolemy, I eyed the vomit at his feet. Just a millimeter, and the circle would be-

"I order you to not hurt me, Bartimaeus."

Drat. My smile faded, and I scowled at him.

He looked with disgust at the vomit pooling near his feet and stepped out of the circle. I watched him with annoyance, itching to tear his throat out, but being unable to.

"Clean up this mess before you go downstairs to arrange my books." He said, turning around and walking towards the door. _Oh, no he didn't_. I wasn't going back to that routine.

I summoned a small detonation and threw it at him. It wasn't meant to hurt. He knew it when he whipped around to glare at me after the weak detonation evaporated on his shoulder. I smiled. Not to _hurt_ him, eh? Now, hurt was a very vague word.

 _Natty's been getting sloppy._

I proved as much when I shot forward and dragged him, protesting, to the window and jumped out. I felt his wriggling stop as we fell, and he screamed. I grinned as the ground rushed up to meet us, before letting dark wings sprout out of my back.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEMON? I ORDERED YOU TO NOT HURT ME!"

" _Demon_ , Nat? It seems that you have forgotten who you're dealing with."

I held on to him lightly, but he practically _clung_ to me. As he glared up at me, I flashed him a quick smile.

"I've seen humans fall from high places, Nat. Not very pretty, but it seems they pass out and feel no pain as their bodies plummet towards the ground and carries them off to their death."

His pale face paled even more. Oh, this got better and better by the second.

"You should have thought things through, Nat, before you summoned me."

"Bartimaeus!" He yelled. "Don't!"

"Don't what? You're ordering me, now? You're not in your circle, remember?"

We were almost to a satisfying hight. I could picture the terror on his face as he fell when he fell to his doom.*

*Ooh. Doom is _such_ a nice word, isn't it? Especially when Nat had it coming.

He suddenly went limp in my arms, and I glanced at him. I hadn't pinned him for the giving-up type.

"I... want to say sorry. I should've dismissed you sooner."

"Nat, Nat." I said in a tolerating voice. "It's too late now. Blabbering will not save you from death. You gotta admit, if it hadn't been me, it would've been someone else. I mean, you annoy a _lot_ of people, you know that?- Ah, here we are. Any final words- wait, no. I don't want to listen to your voice any more than I have to."

Then I dropped him. I grinned as I watched him fall like a stone. I'd expected a lot more flailing on his part, but he seemed to have given up completely. Pity. I would've liked to see the terror on his face. I felt the tugs of the Otherplace calling to me, and if I had a heart, it would've soared with glee. Freedom was _so_ close at hand. Just a few more seconds more!

Then I _did_ see the look on his face.

I cast a look at the clouds above and rolled my eyes. Hopeless little Nathaniel. Of course. Of course it had to end this way. I'd known it probably would, but I'd been hoping it wouldn't.

I dove after him.

I groaned as I caught him mid-fall, seconds before he became a red, messy splat on his own roof. I checked him. He was passed out. Good. Made this less painful.

I swept onto his roof and gently let him down- I couldn't hurt him, after all. Then I spat at the ground near him and muttered a string of curses in a multitude of different languages.

"You don't just smile in resignation when you're about to die, you fool! You're supposed to scream in terror!"

He peacefully slept on, unaware of my anger.

"This despicable magician doesn't even value his own life!" I muttered to myself. "What kind of master _is_ he?"

Fine. _Fine!_ Then I'd just leave him alone, so he'd wake up on his roof and scream in a high-pitched voice for help. That'd be amusing to watch. I threw one last glare at him before I transformed into a little bird and took to the air.

I wanted to go somewhere nice to cool off. At least, as nice as it got in this world.


	5. Chapter 5

"No one likes a sulking politician, Nat." I said, thoroughly fed up with the silence. " _I'm_ the one who's ready to boil you alive and serve you to some nasty entity."

Natty-boy stubbornly refused to acknowledge me, and continued scribbling away at his papers. I yawned loudly as I laid out on his bed, and then shot the back of his head with a weak Detonation. His head jerked forward, before he whipped it around to look at me indignantly. He rubbed his head furiously and seemed about ready to hit me with some sort of punishing spell, but he stopped himself and turned away again, to pick up his pen and start scratching away at his papers. _Again_.

"Don't just summon me without a reason and then make me loiter around your disgustingly over-decorated room all day! My essence isn't fully healed, and it's only getting worse every second I spend here!"

He didn't say anything.

You know, his rug really is something.* It was laid out to cover the floor of most of his room during the winter, and it was winter, now. As I watched the flame I set on it dance and flicker, I was tempted to do the same the entire house and see it crumble on a certain magician's head. Thing was, Natty had told me not to harm him. Pity.

*It was garishly red and made your feet sink in about a foot or two each time you took the courage to step into its embrace. It tickled, too. And itched. Natty called it "plush" and "fancy." I called it "camel fur." And believe me, that is not a compliment.

He smelled the smoke after a while, and turned around. His eyes widened comically as he stared at the flames.

"Care for an indoors camp fire, Nat? Look, we can even roast _you_ on it, if you want. It won't smell pretty, though. You might even end up smelling worse than those flowery perfumes you wear in a vain attempt to attract Farrar." I smiled as he twitched. I leaned forward conspiratorially. "Between you and me, those perfumes smell _wonderful_. You should wear them all the time. Don't let the fact that most people hold their noses when they talk to you, deter you."

Natty chose to ignore my generous advice, and instead, chose to summon some imp.

"I order you to neatly extinguish the fire, demon." He commanded. The imp lolled its wee little head at him. "And change out of that odious form!" Nat snapped. The flying baby shook itself and turned itself into a little blue bird. It swept towards the carpet, to extinguish the flames... and happened to come too close to me.

Nathaniel turned to look at me again when he heard tortured cries for help. He dismissed the imp. He sighed. He rubbed his forehead.

"Nat, you look tired. Why don't you go to sleep? It's not like I'd poison you, or anything."

"If you want to kill me so badly, djinni, you should've let me die!" The boy snapped. I'd like to snap his neck sometime.

" _I would have_ , Nathaniel, if _you_ hadn't been so disgustingly pitiful!"

"So it's _my_ fault, now?"

"I'm sorry. I thought I'd made it clear enough that it was. Clearly, if you still have doubts, I must've not made it simple enough to get it through your abnormally thick skull."

He shoved his chair back and stood up, red in the face. "You've been moaning about killing me for _years!_ You had your chance then! If you'd really wanted to kill me, you would've done it then!"

I narrowed my eyes at him and made myself more comfortable in his bed. Oh, he had _not_ just said what I'd thought he'd just said. "What are you saying?"

Nathaniel put his hands in his hair and roughly pushed the straying strands back from his face. Have I told you before about his greasy, long hair before? He thought it looked _fashionable,_ even though it looked more like a wet mop than anything else.

"Djinni, I was prepared to die today. I wanted to, if you want me to be honest. I thought you would finally finish me off, but obviously you care for me more than- "

"If you want to die, go jump off of a building yourself! Don't summon _me!_ What, is even _dying_ too much work for you to do alone?" Then I paused. "Wait, were you starting to say that _I care for you?"_

He stared at me, looking dumbstruck. "Aren't you going to ask me why I want- "

"None of my business. The sooner you die, the sooner I can live on in peace."

"But- "

I sat up in his bed, and threw a bit of power into my voice, making it resound around the room a bit. "Human, are you accusing me, Bartimaeus of Uruk, the Serpent of Silver Plumes, the build- "

"Cut the theoretics, djinni."

I growled at him, but he seemed unfazed. "It won't take me to much effort to find another way to kill you without hurting you."

The kid looked _exasperated_. _Exasperated,_ I tell you! _Why_ , you ask? Because he's an idiot, of course. "I _want_ to die. Haven't you been listening?"

"Then what's stopping you?"

He opened his mouth, then froze. Then he opened it again. No sound came out.

"You just need fins, and then you'll look exactly like a grotesque little fish that got pulled out of water."

"I... "

"Look, Nat." I started, in my most motherly voice. "If you really want to die, I can counsel you on a variety of different methods. I'd normally recommend a kitchen knife, but for you, a tiny splinter might be enough to make you hysterical and make your heart sputter out."

" _Bartimaeus!_ "

I was taken aback. I looked at his face, and then look again to process what reality was telling me. The boy... looked seriously red. Nothing new. I'd made him redder through my amazing banters. But what _was_ new, was the single drop of water and salt that slid down the side of his face, down to his cheek, and almost to his chin. He wiped it off before it could go any farther.

He looked angry. And desperate.

"You _could_ order me to kill you, if you'd like," I said, a bit unhelpfully, judging from his glare.

He deflated and collapsed on his chair again. He didn't say anything for a while.

I studied him. He didn't look different. Didn't seem like he'd had any new revelation for him to suddenly fancy dying. He didn't act _off_ , either. Had Natty-boy gone through some traumatic experience in my absence? Unlikely.* Then this must've been weighing on his mind for a while.

*Unless you counted looking in a mirror. The horrors he must've suffered by looking at his reflection! I almost felt sorry for him.

"Bartimaeus? Do you... think I deserve to die?"

Interesting question. I didn't have to think at all, but I _hmm'd_ and _haw'd_ , watching the apprehension on his face grow by the second. The kid really was pitiful. He had no one more trustworthy than me to turn to, to ask a question I supposed was very dear to him. Which made sense, since he was practically asking me if he should go die or not.

"Let's see..." I counted off on my fingers: "You put the government in turmoil by stealing a very important amulet and are partly responsible for killing your foster parents, you break your promise and summon me again after giving me your word, you lie on a daily basis, you enslave many other entities and make them do your bidding, you killed Kitty by letting her sacrifice herself to a golem... all in all, I'd say you might."

He bent over and hugged himself. I watched him in disgust. How _frail_ he was.

"But, then, why didn't you destroy me and have it over with?"

"I already told you! You looked too pathetic!"

What was he expecting? 'I did not wish for you to die, my dear master, and I still do not, so _please_ , cease this line of thought!'? I snorted at just the thought of me saying something so ridiculous.

"I knew it. It was a waste summoning you, after all," the boy said.

It _had_ been. If he'd only wanted to know my opinion on his right to live, then he should've known what I'd say.

When he started the words of dismissal, I almost protested. I wanted to see what he'd do.

As the Other Place tugged at my essence, I let myself stand up.

Nathaniel looked at me, his face streaked with tears.

 _From another time and another place, a boy with similar features smiled sadly at me._

 _"Thank you for everything you have done for me, Rekhyt."_

Two voices spoke the words. One, echoing from millennium ago. Another, from a boy who would be unreachable to me in a few moments. Except instead of my old name, the name _Bartimaeus_ echoed around the room.

"Nathaniel." I said quietly. The boy focused on me. "If you die, your birthday wish can not be granted."

When he looked confused, I panicked. The pull to the Other Place was too strong.

"You wanted to spend another hundred years as my master, didn't you?"

He looked surprised. He had every right to be. I would sooner kill myself than willingly do what I kept doing for this kid over and over again. But, yet, here I was. Alive and well, and doing this _again_.

He smiled. I disappeared.

As I'd thought. The Other Place was more like a prison when you let yourself care about the going ons of the human world.

Gah, Ptolemy. And now, _this_ kid.

 _Look what you two have made me become_.

I remembered that idiotic smile that had spread over Nathaniel's face when I'd managed to push away my pride to save him.

It wasn't all that bad, though.


End file.
